What are you so afraid of?

OK, it only took 2-3 friends hounding me full-time, and 5 years on my own, to get me to try the online dating thing. This is not only outside my comfort zone, I can’t see Comfort Zone from here. At lunch on Tuesday, Casey Bazyk asked me what I’m afraid of. I tried to make a list, but I think I had to leave Fayetteville before I finished it. It was that long.

• Pictures of Men. Yes, this is nonsensical, but being confronted with a group of matches really made me uncomfortable, from the very beginning. Why would looking make me so nervous? I think having the Power to Choose is totally unnerving to me. The way I chose when I was younger was if a guy liked me first. Maybe it’s generational, maybe it’s personality, there is something uncomfortably assertive about being the one who picks. It’s a fear I’m willing to try working through, however. :) 

• Making a Profile. What do I say? How do I stand out? What if I’m not noticeable? PHOTOS?!?! Are you kidding me? At this point I’m missing the good, old fashioned blind date arranged by a friend. Then it’s up to them to sell me. It’s tough to be unique and clever in bullets and pre-arranged answer combinations. [side note: I’ve actually never had a blind date.]

• The thought of a FIRST DATE. It has been 26 years, 4 months, and 20 days since my last first date. Holy crap! We didn’t even have cell phones then, and I know what a complete cultural change that has caused. And I wasn’t well-experienced in first dates back then. I have decided to table this fear until I actually have one, or I’m likely to ditch my eHarmony subscription and learn to knit this summer instead. 

• The hodgepodge of Self-Doubts. I know #1-3 are all in this category, but there are still more. I worry about the way I look, dress, how much I weigh, how old I am, how little experience I ever had in dating..... I could go on, but you get the idea. Depending on the time of day, my confidence is mostly a self-deluding facade. 

• Rejection. That’s always been a big, bad, boogey-man, right there. I think Stacy makes a good mentor in this. She is unwilling to let anyone take away her happiness, especially some man she’s never met, or only briefly gotten to know. It takes a belief that there are many others out there who would love to meet you. “Next!”

• Con-men, Assholes, Addicts. I know they are out there, and some target women in my demographic, hoping I’m lonely, depressed, and desperate. And I’ve had my share of addicts, thanks. It’s a daunting landscape out there. Caution is needed.

and......

• Success. This is the biggest, baddest, and scariest of them all. What if I meet someone wonderful? What if I have to change and grow and trust and let someone into my life? This comes with the twin fear - what if I’m so afraid of getting what I want that I sabotage it myself? I’ve done weirder things.

So that’s the current list, and I know that I can probably add to it in the days to come. It makes me aware of one thing that Stacy also got right - you really need to do this with a network of support. A group of friends that encourage you, advise you, and dare you, when necessary. So thanks for letting me tag along.

By the way, this post was interrupted by 26 hours of my internet being down, so I may have another one, with some additional eHarmony experiences, very soon. ;)