I spent five and a half hours today in training. It was inspiring and disappointing.
I can't be a cynic. I can't just blow these trainings off, think I don't need them, show up with the attitude "I'll just do what they make me do." I really like what they advocate, and I am somewhat disheartened at the distance between what I hoped I could be and what I am managing now.
It's my first year. I've heard that it is mostly survival. I've also heard that it gets so much better. But I want so much. I hoped I could start better, achieve more.
So I came home, with about an hour to myself. I started mentally making the list of where to start, how to chip away at the overwhelming task. Unlike the life-long procrastinator I am, I think of doing now. Beginning anew. Changing habits.
Then the phone rings. Church obligations. Another ring. My son's homework. Now after 10:00, only one small thing done. Tired. Feeling that inspired, hopeful, energized mood slipping from me.
If I am changing, I hope I find the change in me that can correct the patterns of procrastination and minimized effort that make me so unhappy. Could I finally change what has fought so hard to exist during the rest of my life?
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